This is a story about a mother and her daughter and of her daughter’s daughter. It begins in 1961. A period in time where mothers stayed home with their children and children were taught to be seen but not heard. Children were expected to be good girls and boys and respect their elders. Friends of their parents were addressed as Mr. and Mrs or Uncle and Aunt.
When she was five, the daughter said something that was funny to her but it was NOT to “Uncle Frank” and her mother. The shock of being harshly reprimanded for her childish act haunted her well into her later years. She was too young to understand relationships. One day, her father disappeared from her life and she ask her mother “why”? The mother replied, “We don’t talk about him anymore”. The mother saw a lot of “Uncle Frank” after her father disappeared and the daughter lived in fear of Uncle every time he visited.
When she was seven, the daughter got a new father, when one day, she was introduced to a man and his four children. They were all sitting in the kitchen of the home she shared with her brothers and her mother. Her mother said, “This is Mr. Dew and these are his children. They are living with us now as one big happy family and you will call him father”. In fact when the daughter went to school her last name was changed to his so she would be recognized as one of his children. The daughter was now one of ten children where she was seen but not heard.
When she was twelve, the daughter saw her father, the one she knew as her father, at her brother’s wedding. Her father sat right behind her and when she turned to say hello, her mother stopped her. Her mother said “it would hurt her new father’s feelings if you turned around.” So the daughter sat looking forward because she was afraid of getting into trouble. Her mother said “that’s a good girl”. By the time she was free to reconnect with her father she knew as her father, he was gone, again. The daughter became aware of the anger growing inside of her towards her mother. It was also the beginning of the resentment she felt for her new father and the difficulties she was to create for him and her mother for years to come.
When she was fifteen, she learned that telling the truth was painful and life took an abrupt turn in her young life. The daughter told her Aunt about a great pain she had been carrying for two years. She was suffering under the burden of her step-father’s inappropriate behaviour towards her when she was 13. The Aunt was horrified by this news and shared this with the daughter’s mother. The mother asked the step-father if this was true, and in front of her daughter, he said “no, it was not”. This was devastating to the daughter and when her mother took her step-fathers word over hers that the divide between mother and daughter ripped open beyond repair.
In her sixteenth year, the daughter left home filled with anger, hardening her heart towards her mother and step-father. It was also the time that her father that she knew as her father passed away, leaving her yet again.
When she was twenty-one, the daughter discovered that her father she knew as her father, was not her biological father. She learned about her beginnings from her Aunt. She learned that she had three fathers and that alone should have been quite devastating! Instead the daughter became curious about the skeletons in her family closet and asked her mother for the truth. It was a truth her mother never wanted her daughter to know and now that she did, strangely, it was a truth that brought them together, they had something to work on together. They actively searched for the man who was her biological father, and there was peace between them. The daughter found pleasure in the knowing and she looked forward to being asked “who is your father?”. With a big smile on her face, her answer was always, “which one?, my biological father, the one I knew as my father, or my step-father?” Of course laughter would follow and she told her story over and over and over again until she became numb to impact this had for her. A few years past and the daughter found the courage she needed to reach out to her biological father only to be rejected. This would forever rip open her wounded heart filling her with sadness and guilt (more on that later) as she watched strangers joyfully reconnect with lost loved ones. The mother and the daughter, both learned that you can numb yourself from the pain inflicted by others but you can never escape self-inflicted pain.”
When she was twenty-five, the daughter became a wife and mother in a period in time when mothers were free to choose, work at home or away and children were encouraged to be seen and heard. Children were still expected to be good girls and boys, address older people by Mr. and Mrs and it was okay to address their parent’s friends by their first names rather than Uncle and Aunt. One day the daughter had a daughter of her own and a new hope of righting the wrongs in her own mother/daughter relationship. The daughter vowed that her relationship with her daughter would be different because she was nothing like her mother. Or was she?
As time went on the daughter started to recognize her mother’s words coming from her mouth when she spoke to her daughter. The horror of sounding like her mother struck fear into her heart. The daughter started to notice her mother’s ways of being, showed up in her way of being, and she cried for her daughter’s love. The mother’s daughter tried everything she knew to connect with her own daughter, only to be rejected over and over and over again. The mother’s daughter was once again filled with anger and hurt in her heart, not only for her mother and her own daughter but for herself as she grew older and became a grandmother.
When the daughter was fifty, she realized that she had the same relationship with her own daughter that she had with her mother! She sank deep into despair. In her heart, she knew that she would have to heal her relationship with her mother to change her relationship with her daughter and the thought of this terrified her. What if she couldn’t? For many years the daughter had tried to forgive her mother, for the choices that her mother made. As a mother herself she understood that her mother had done the best that she could. The daughter worked hard at forgiving and she thought that she had finally reached forgiveness towards her mother. Finally she could have the relationship with her own daughter that she longed for. Or could she?
The daughter watched her own daughter blossom into a beautiful, wise woman who expressed her love for everyone except her mother. No matter how the daughter expressed her love to her own daughter, her own daughter would meet her with nothingness. “I love you” was met with silence. “Can we get together?” was answered with “I’m busy”. The daughter’s heart was broken and again she felt the divide between mother and daughter tear open. The daughter knew that she couldn’t run from the pain of others and saw that she couldn’t run away from self-inflicted pain either. The daughter was heartbroken as she didn’t want this for her own daughter now that her daughter had a daughter of her own.
Watching history repeating itself was more than the daughter could bare and she vowed that she would find a way to change the future. For the sake of her mother, who was no longer living, her own daughter, her daughter’s daughter, and finally for herself. She didn’t know how she would do this, and she was determined to end the cycle because she knew it was important for all the daughters before her and beyond. The daughter believed that healing her own heart was the key to healing her mother’s heart, even though she was no longer living. She knew that healing her heart gave promise for a loving relationship with her own daughter, her daughter’s daughter and future generations of daughters to come.
In her twilight years, the daughter took a stand for herself, for her mother, her daughter, her daughter’s daughter, and future generations of daughters, so they would be free to express their love for each other from their hearts. For the first time in her life, the daughter had found her purpose and embarked on a path of forgiveness for her mother, her daughter and herself. As she stood at the beginning of this journey, she opened up to the possibility of changing the past, present and future for the women in her lineage, she had no idea how until one day she received a message from a friend that changed everything.
When the daughter turned 60, she confirmed the truth. After 40 years of wondering, the daughter decided to have a DNA test, she wanted to know the truth about her father. Was her father, the father who she thought was her father or was it the father who rejected her? As it turns out it was the father that rejected her and with that knowledge she set out to find out more! She found out that she has 5 siblings, nieces, nephews, and cousins! Although the feeling of being rejected again weighed heavily on her mind, she boldly reached out with acceptance of what ever was to transpire. She now knew the truth of her beginning and no matter how she was to be received she would accept it as perfect.
One day her friend called to say “Your mother came to me in a dream, she wants to talk to you.” The daughter’s heart slammed shut. The daughter did not want to hear what the mother had to say, she realized that perhaps there was more to heal and again the daughter revisited her relationship with the mother, this time with curiosity. What did the mother want to tell her daughter? Her friend assured her that she didn’t have to hear what the mother had to say until she was ready and to reach out to her friend when she was. Her friend had the gift of being able to communicate with spirits and be the conduit between worlds. The daughter was grateful and promised to reach out when she was ready.
Months later, the daughter received another message that stopped her in her tracks. This one was from her own daughter and the note said: “you are welcome to ask about my kids but I would prefer that we don’t talk about you and me. I’m uncomfortable with you saying you love me”. The daughter was gutted and then she had “the dream”. It was a scary, dark dream, where 3 women were trapped in a war zone in the city where they lived, strangers were being shot and killed all around them as they ran from one hiding place to another. They tried to stay together but they couldn’t and just before they were going to be discovered, they escaped by running in different directions. The daughter had no idea if her own daughter and her mother were still alive and the fear of never seeing them again changed everything. The daughter woke up abruptly, her heart racing! Her mother had already passed but her own daughter was alive and the thought of losing her forever was unbearable. The daughter had to do find a way to change this outcome and she knew that her mother was part of the solution. The daughter reached out to her friend, she was ready to hear what her mother had to say.
They say when the time is right the answers arrive and the daughter trusted this to be true. The friend set the time and the space for the mother and daughter to connect. The mother’s energy was electric with anticipation, anxiousness and purity in nature. The daughter felt trepidation and curious, open to what was to transpire. As the daughter listened to what the mother came to say, she was able to see her mother differently. Not as the mother who caused her so much pain, but as a woman who found peace and understanding. Her mother wanted to tell her daughter, that the work the daughter had done to heal her heart was something the mother was unable to do in her lifetime and that she was so proud of the daughter for doing the work. This is what the mother wanted to say to the daughter and in that moment the daughter heard a distinct “whoosh” sound and a feeling that something shot out from her heart in all directions in the same moment. The daughter whispered to her friend, “what was that?” the friend answered, “that was the sound of letting go of the pain passed through generations, both back in time and forward.” As the daughter sat with that answer she knew it to be true and the mother and daughter felt at peace in that moment. The daughter called her own daughter a few days later to say how proud she was knowing that her daughter didn’t want to hurt her but needed to express her feelings. There was a difference in their conversation, it was softer, it felt safe for both of them and without saying “I love you” both women felt loved. It was the beginning of a new chapter for the daughter and her own daughter and for her daughter too.
When the daughter turned 64…
If you recognize yourself in any part of this story — as the daughter, the mother, or both — know that you are not alone. The weight you are carrying has a name. It is called un-forgiveness. And it is not yours to keep.
The daughter turned 64 and finally put it down. You can too.
When you are ready to begin — or to finally finish — your own story, I am here.
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