I Am Love

Let me tell you something that still makes me cringe a little when I think about it.

The first time I stood in front of a full length mirror, looked into my own eyes and said “I love you” out loud — I couldn’t do it. Not even close.

It felt like the biggest lie I’d ever tried to tell. My eyes dropped, I laughed nervously, and I stood there feeling equal parts ridiculous and devastated. I was so uncomfortable in my own skin I couldn’t hold my own gaze for more than two seconds.

Two. Seconds.

And I thought I was doing okay up until that moment.

Here’s what I know now that I didn’t know then, that reaction wasn’t weakness. It was information. It was showing me exactly where I was on the journey of loving myself, and honey, I was nowhere near the starting line. What got me to the other side wasn’t a bubble bath or a gratitude journal. It was doing this uncomfortable exercise over and over until it stopped feeling like a lie.

It took awhile and it did stop. Eventually.

That day finally arrived when I could stand in that same mirror, look myself straight in the eyes and say: “I love you. With all your flaws, your smiles, your tears, your habits, your mess — everything. I just love you.”

I ugly cried, I mean really ugly.

But something cracked open that day that has never closed back up. I reconnected with a part of myself I didn’t even know I’d abandoned — and I felt love the way it was always meant to feel. Not earned. Not conditional. Just whole-hearted love. ❤️

So let’s talk about the elephant in the room, because somebody reading this just thought, “that sounds incredibly self-absorbed.” I hear you. I grew up with that too.

My mother told me it wasn’t nice to stare at myself in the mirror, that it was vain. Girlfriends said “you think you’re something special” like that was something to be ashamed of. I was raised in an era where being a good girl meant everybody else’s needs came before yours — every single time, no exceptions, no complaints. Sound familiar?

Here’s the truth they didn’t teach us: self-love is not self-ish. Let me say that again, self-love is not selfish. It is the foundation of everything. You can’t pour from an empty cup, and more than that, what you pour when you’re running on empty isn’t love, it’s resentment in a pretty dress.

RuPaul has been saying it for years and I will never stop quoting it: “If you can’t love yourself, how the hell can you love anyone else?” Crystal clear and exactly right.

This work changed more than just my relationship with myself, it changed how I show up for everyone around me.

Here’s the part that surprised me most: I can now love someone even when they are not loving me back. Not in a doormat way — don’t get that twisted. But in a way that I can see the human-ness in someone who is lashing out, shutting down, or being flat out unkind, without making it about me. Their behaviour is about what’s going on inside them. Full stop.

Do I still get triggered? Absolutely. I’m human.

But my recovery is quick and complete. I don’t carry it. I don’t replay it at 2am and I don’t let it mean something about my worth. That right there — that is the freedom this work gave me. And I want that for every woman reading this.

I originally wrote this in December 2021 and I still come back to it — not because I’ve forgotten, but because it’s worth remembering how far I’ve come.

I am so committed to this level of love that I chose a name that reflects it. Kula Sanayha — two Sanskrit words meaning “Community” and “Love.” It’s not just a name. It’s a declaration of how I choose to live and who I choose to be for others.

Okay. Your turn.

If any of this landed for you — even a little — I want to leave you with the exact exercise that cracked me open. It’s simple. It’s free. And it will show you exactly where you are right now, no filter.

The Inner Essence Exercise

Stand naked in front of a full length mirror. Take a breath. Really look at yourself — not to pick yourself apart, just to look. Then, when you’re ready, look into your own eyes and say out loud:

“I love you.”

And then just notice what happens.

Don’t judge it. Don’t fix it. Don’t perform it. Just notice.

That reaction — whatever it is — is your starting point. That’s where the real work begins.

Try it once. Just once, and if you want company on this journey back to yourself, call me, I’m right here beside you.

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