The Apology My Body Has Been Waiting For

My body had been screaming at me for years. I called it inconvenient. It called it survival.

She stepped lightly onto the stage. Her footsteps were soft, and the thoughts that swirled in her head were deafening as she made her way to the front of the stage where the lectern awaited her. Gently, she placed her notes down and scanned them, hoping to find the courage she needed to share the words she had written upon them. As she raised her eyes to meet those looking back at her, the room thickened with silence. It took her breath away – the sea of faces extended further than she could see, and she felt frozen in time. It was here that she felt gratitude. She took this moment to look into each and every face within her view. Some looked back with care and kindness, others showed only scorn and mistrust. Many were blank and unreadable, and she had no idea how this would go.

She felt her tears begin to flow. Tears of sadness and shame mixed with compassion and love as she scanned the room, touching each face along the way. “Well?” A deep voice from somewhere beyond her view boomed so loudly that it made her jump. She turned to see who had spoken, only to be met with blank stares from the faces waiting for her to speak.

She was desperately looking for her courage now and turned to her council, sitting behind her, hoping to find it within their faces. It was at that moment she realized that two faces were missing! She turned to her council member representing the Heart Clan and motioned for her to join her at the lectern. Quietly, she asked her council, “Where are the Councillors from the Digestion and Dermal Clans?” She scanned the crowd while waiting for the answer.

Her closest ally, her closest friend, her representative of the Heart Clan answered, “They no longer wanted to sit on the council and have chosen to return to their clans.” She gazed toward the far side of the room where those clans stood side by side. The Heart Clan Councillor turned back to her and, with a smile, whispered, “You can do this.” It was what she needed to hear, and finally, courage arrived to guide her through this moment.

She turned back towards the others in the room, looked briefly at her notes, and then turned them over. She knew that, with this new development, those words no longer spoke for her. As she faced the faces in front of her, she opened her mouth and allowed her heart to speak instead.

“I stand before you today to ask for your forgiveness. I have not been listening to my council, who bring your concerns to my attention. I have dishonoured you, my clan families, by ignoring your complaints, your challenges and even your successes. I have taken you for granted, without acknowledgement of the sacrifices you have made on my behalf. You have tolerated this for far too long. As your leader, I have not taken responsibility to honour my commitment of keeping you safe, protected and healthy. For all of my failures and shortcomings, I am deeply sorry for the pain and suffering you have endured because of me.”

She paused for a moment to take a deep breath and to open her heart even more.

“My leadership has been more of a dictatorship instead of a collaboration. I have subjected you to experimental experiences in hopes of bringing you in line with my wishes, and I have punished you for not doing so. I have abandoned you over the years, leaving you to deal with your own issues rather than giving you the support that you needed. Through all of this, you have given me unconditional support without the same in return. It is I who has much to learn from you rather than the other way around! I have come to see that my way or the highway has brought us all to our knees – including mine – and this stops now!”

She stopped speaking, held her breath, anticipating and waiting for the tidal wave of anger to take her down.

They are still processing my words, she thought to herself. Just hang on – when is it coming? Oh god, I hope it comes soon! Minutes felt like days and panic was starting to creep in as she continued to hold her breath. I can’t breathe! I need to breathe! Please say something! Anything!

With a gentle touch from her Heart Clan sister, she took a breath and realized the sound that exploded in her ears was not a tidal wave of anger but that of cheers and clapping! It began with a single clap from somewhere in the crowd and grew quickly into a symphony of hands coming together with the sweet sounds of cheering and whistles. Of course it felt like a tidal wave – there were fifty trillion clan family members in attendance today!

What had looked like angry faces to her only moments ago transformed into open-hearted love radiating towards her, filling the entire room. How was this possible? How could they still show her so much love after what she had just confessed to them? Her tears flowed unabashedly now, mixing with the tears of her clan families. They were all here: the Skeletal Clan, Digestive Clan, Organ Clan, Dermal Clan, Heart Clan, and the distant clans comprised of the Thought Clan, Limb Clan, Nerve Clan, Hair Clan, Muscle Clan, Optical Clan, and Spirit Clan. The tears of unconditional love flowed deeply, and quickly the tears rose around them. They swirled and swept away all the debris of pain and suffering among them, cleansing all that ailed them. And as quickly as the tears had risen, they drained away, leaving purity of heart behind.

“I am so blessed to have you in my life. I am so grateful for your love, and I am truly honoured to be one with you,” she cried out. She knew now her role as their leader – one of togetherness. That being of service is mutual, respectful, and honouring. She understood that she needed her families to take care of her as much as they needed her to take care of them, something they already knew and had been patiently waiting for her to discover for herself.

There was still one more thing she needed to do to complete this moment. She turned to her council, still sitting behind her, and asked them to join her at the lectern. She asked her friend and ally, Heart Clan Councillor, to invite Digestive and Dermal Clans to send their representatives to join the council on stage again. Standing together, touching shoulder to shoulder, she and her council faced the room, uniting all families as one. That touch – shoulder to shoulder – solidified the bonds between families and radiated among all family members from the front to the back and side to side simultaneously, allowing each face to feel the message of love and gratitude.

“Moving forward, from this moment on, my commitment to you is to be of service to you with gratitude, to honour and respect your perspectives – whether I agree or not – to listen to your needs with an open heart, and to support you to the best of my ability as your chosen leader.”

Today, she ended the old regime of poor management – the repression, oppression, and suppression – and replaced it with a whole new appreciation and love for her body. To all the faces of the clan families that give her body life, both inside and out, this poem is for you:

I love you,

with all your flaws, smiles, tears, habits, everything,

I just love you.

This story is about the collaborative relationship I have with my body – both inside and out. It’s about what became possible when I stopped treating my body like a machine, to be managed by others, and start behaving like the leader I am meant to be.

My body is not my enemy. My body has never been my enemy. It’s been showing up for me all these years, patiently waiting for me to show up for it in return.

The clans were ready to work together and now I am too.

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